You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I just ran a .003048K
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?