Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
is this how new cars are made??
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.