So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner