oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation