Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital