i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
He is just living hist best little life 😊