me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.