[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It鈥檚 not a toy.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
馃槤
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you鈥檙e my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can鈥檛 even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me, reading some of your tweets
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?