I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
peep davidson
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile