As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one