If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Autocarrot sucks!
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Autocorrect is my menesis
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
that wasn’t the question
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”