My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Anime is real
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.