No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Ken is short for chicken
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess