if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
#titanic
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”