Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.