ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Check out the legs on this baby
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?