[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.