On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Whoa 😂
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway