“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.