I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you