The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You Might Also Like
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
even bears disappoint their mothers
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
that de-escalated quickly
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.