Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies