So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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I cannot call her anything else now
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Cow it started Cow it’s going
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.