SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.