ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.