Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen