“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Some people were born into their job.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.