Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on