Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Perfect.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Had an epiphany today.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
dutch is not a serious language
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.