Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
i hate you platonically
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS