I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”