*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?