my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.