I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
no such thing as a dumb question
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Welcome
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus