My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Worst perfume name ever.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.