Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Pringles
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
I’m good, thanks.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
TODAY
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.