Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Botany good plants lately?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me, in DM rooms…