I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*