Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you