Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
But wait…