HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left