If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.