left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I ate everything, including the H.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet