[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us