So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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My life coach traded me.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Has science gone too far?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Yes
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me when my alarm goes off
get you a girl who
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me