a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.