[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain