Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way