Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Got him!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around