Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Whisper out to librarians!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Tuesday
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Britain be like
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”