You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*